The Freshmen

September 5, 2011

I won’t be held responsible, she fell in love in the first place.

I just wrote an entire essay that I was going to post, but I highlighted that shit and backspaced it all. None of it seems right.
I’m not sure what’s happening to me lately. I can’t draw. I can’t write. I can’t do anything. I think it’s because I’m happy, being miserable suited me well. It made me great. My cynicism and negativity fed my emotions. Now I’m too pleased to bother being creative. And I’m scared. I’m so terribly scared. I don’t want to be miserable again. I did it for too long and I’m not ready to go back to that. Thinking about it right now is making me teary. I’m getting a lump in my throat just picturing it…

To be honest, I don’t need art. I don’t need to draw or to write or to do anything that requires my right hemisphere at all. I have no desire to sit in white rooms, stringing together consonants and phrases. I have no desire to have paint all over my clothes, I have no desire to be covered in red stains. Red stains of any kind. If my cynicism is being taken away from me, and I can no longer hold a brush…
If I’m no longer allowed to be miserable, and  my sentences stop making perfect sense…
Then fine. I’ll give all that I could do, every stroke, every word, every minuscule letter. If it means I’m happy, I’ll give it all.

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And the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.
Because I know I’m good for something, I just haven’t found it yet… But I need it.

See that fine specimen of a man? That’s Jensen Ackles. I’ve been watching Supernatural. After I’m done with season 4, I’m moving on to Bones and Criminal Minds.

So, I woke up today, went for a run. Then had to go to the dentist. I hate the dentist. I also hate doctors.

Today was okay for a while. Then I got lonely…
I feel completely and utterly unloved and friendless.
I miss my best friend… or ex-best friend. I need her so much.

I also have so much to do, but not enough time to do it. I’m lazy…
I’ve been occupying myself with things and people that probably aren’t good for me, but they distract me. And that makes me feel a little better.

2011 sucks so far.
Hope it’s going okay for you guys.
I’ll try to write some more, I know I’ve been neglecting it, I’ve just been too distracted.

So I finished watching Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer, and it wasn’t scary in the least bit. So that whole bull about it being a ‘horror’ that I read somewhere, was immensely incorrect. However it was a pretty gross film at times, I did cringe in certain parts, but not once did I have to look away. The movie was genius. Jean finished his collection, escaped death, only to pour the remainder of the Perfume on himself, and be eaten alive by the very people he was born around. It’s was beautiful. It gives meaning to the concept of dying for love.

I also enjoyed watching the worlds biggest orgy. (: I jest, it was pretty disturbing, most of them were old.

On a more humorous note,  I’m going to stir away from the conceptual framework of Perfume, because I can see myself getting far too deep into it, and that just sounded dirty. Moving on…
I’m watching Get Him To The Greek, yet again. I love this movie beyond belief, it’s hilarious.
I’m going to sit here and yell at my internet speed until it finishes loading.
Hope I sleep well tonight, I’m not too thrilled with how I’ve been sleeping lately. Or, not sleeping, I should say.

Sweet dreams, I leave you with some quotes. (:

‘Your brain is full of lollipops, rainbows, and cheese.’
‘Do you know how many Air Jordans six black kids wear?’
‘Don’t be a bitch dude, Let me get my smoke on.’
‘Nothing you say makes any sense, I understand that now, you’re just a fucking junkie and you’re smart so you make your insanity sound, good but its bullshit.’
‘You can’t outrun me! I’m black!’