Went to Bondi yesterday with some of my friends, the weather was fairly warm and I have the ever so slightest tan going on, you can see strap lines on my shoulders. The water was freezing cold and there were hardly any waves. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the beach so busy before.
As a comparison of my days, today is cold. It’s dark, it’s cloudy, it’s boring and I’m not spending it with anyone who means anything to me. I haven’t been this bored in a very long time, and since I seem to have lost all talent that use to reside in my right hemisphere, I can not draw nor can I write to past the time. I don’t have the patience to read, not lately. I’m unimpressed and uninspired, and I feel fairly miserable today.  Tomorrow will be much of the same.

I’m thinking of either going into prostitution or drug dealing because for some reason, normal ass forms of employment don’t want me. I think when McDonald’s rejects you, there’s really no where to go from there. Not that the idea of being around meat and oil is all that impressive to me in the first place. I have yet to buy my ticket to Amity, I have $2 and I’m fairly sure I have another $48 to save before I can get it.

There have been a few things bothering me lately. My future, my appearance, my sudden lack of any real skill or interest in anything. Everyone knows what they want to do. Everyone knows what they’re good at, and everyone’s trying to get somewhere. I’m simply existing. Barely. I have to start my major work for Art next term, I have no ideas. Not one. The creative nerves that once stemmed from my brain are dead.
I might spend the rest of today lying around watching tv, and further exhausting my laziness.

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Letters To Queens

September 6, 2011

The Freshmen

September 5, 2011

I won’t be held responsible, she fell in love in the first place.

I just wrote an entire essay that I was going to post, but I highlighted that shit and backspaced it all. None of it seems right.
I’m not sure what’s happening to me lately. I can’t draw. I can’t write. I can’t do anything. I think it’s because I’m happy, being miserable suited me well. It made me great. My cynicism and negativity fed my emotions. Now I’m too pleased to bother being creative. And I’m scared. I’m so terribly scared. I don’t want to be miserable again. I did it for too long and I’m not ready to go back to that. Thinking about it right now is making me teary. I’m getting a lump in my throat just picturing it…

To be honest, I don’t need art. I don’t need to draw or to write or to do anything that requires my right hemisphere at all. I have no desire to sit in white rooms, stringing together consonants and phrases. I have no desire to have paint all over my clothes, I have no desire to be covered in red stains. Red stains of any kind. If my cynicism is being taken away from me, and I can no longer hold a brush…
If I’m no longer allowed to be miserable, and  my sentences stop making perfect sense…
Then fine. I’ll give all that I could do, every stroke, every word, every minuscule letter. If it means I’m happy, I’ll give it all.

Have you seen The Virgin Suicides? I might watch it later. It seems intriguing enough to amuse me on a Sunday night. So I just came back from Liverpool, it’s really a disgusting place full of disgusting people, but I had a pretty good day. I’m feeling kinda happy, which is kinda really weird for me. I’ve actually been smiling all day, and I haven’t yet stopped smiling.
My jaw’s actually kinda sore, cause I’m not really used to it and I think it’s kinda saying, ‘What the fuck Shannon? Calm the fuck down. Why you be so smiley for?’

I’m actually really sore. I’ve got a massive headache and my legs hurt and I’m tired, but I know I won’t be able to sleep. I’ve got to go to my great grandmother’s funeral tomorrow, and I’m probably gonna be disrespectfully yawning my ass off throughout the entire thing.
Also, I haven’t gone to school for a while and I might get in trouble because I don’t plan on going for the next few days. Maybe just, one or two days. Just to get some of my shit. But other than that, I really don’t feel the need to spend my time with those assholes.

I’ve promised someone that I’m not going to do anything stupid until she comes back from wherever it is that she went,  and unfortunately, I keep my promises.
So I hope you enjoy reading my daily rambles, because I’m gonna be here to ramble for another 4 weeks at least.

Hope you all sleep well, I’m just gonna go smile my ass off some more. (:
I’ll tell you how the movie is tomorrow, ❤

Post- script: I’ve finished all the energy drinks and the coffee in this house, therefore I’ll be drinking Pepsi Max, water and milk till I go drink shopping. Oh, and my mother hid the vodka from me and accused me of being an alcoholic.
Great talks, really. I love this house. Just, wanna fucking live here forever.
loljk, I’d rather die.

I’m not even kidding.
Anyways, I leave you with a poem. (: Comments are loved.

I know it’s always shit, and I know it always sucks,
And you feel like you’ve been hit, by a mother fucking truck.
When you’re lonely, scared, sick of the world and all of this,
Trust me, I swear, there’s such a thing as happiness.