photo (7)Over And Out is just a little project I’ve been working on lately, I’m hoping that it’ll grow into something pretty cool but for the meantime, it’s nice to have a place to jot down some thoughts.
‘I have been spending a lot of my time at the hospital lately. My grandfather wasn’t doing so well for a while there. A sea of worry and hopelessness washed over all of us for a brief time. A hopelessness so excessive, I found myself not recognizing humour and not recognizing joy. But he’s gotten a lot better. The hollows of his cheeks have filled in quite a bit and he’s been walking around, exploring. He hasn’t been released yet but he’s been moved from the coronary care unit to cardiac rehabilitation, which it good.

I’ve been doing quite a bit of exploring myself and found that ironically enough, the people in cardiac rehabilitation have such warm hearts.
A week and a bit ago, my exhaustion levels were high and my optimism excessively low. Today, I realized something. It’s not that bad a place.
It seems that cardiac rehabilitation isn’t just for the patient, but for the patient’s family, and for anyone really.
I’ve found that I really enjoy the consistency of seeing the same smiling people. I’ve made quite a bit of friendly and somewhat awkward conversation with many of the people with who have been feeding my caffeine addiction. There is a constant movement that doesn’t allow for boredom. It’s somewhat like going to a casino. You can sit in the one spot for six hours and not realize how much time has gone by.
You arrive and talk and laugh because things are better and you’re allowed to do these things now. You go to the bathroom, grab a coffee, use the home brand hand sanitizer half a dozen times, sit down, read a little bit, grab a sandwich, have it toasted, grab a drink, eat your food, go to the bathroom, grab another coffee, use the home brand hand sanitizer another half a dozen times, talk some more, laugh some more, laugh a little extra then you leave and repeat it all the next day.
Routine.
Consistency.
Familiar.
These are all good things. And I’m proud of myself. For someone is so easily anxious, I have seemed to pull positive things out of a not
so positive situation and I enjoy this. Maybe a little too much.

I enjoy seeing people and knowing where their room is or knowing who they’re visiting.
I enjoy knowing that the woman who visit’s her husband in bed 23 goes home for a few hours around 1 and comes back in no time every day.
I enjoy knowing that everyone has their own story and I have already learnt so many of them. I enjoy knowing that the two boys and that little girl who walked past me as I arrived where the sons and granddaughter of the couple in bed 24.
I enjoy knowing that I found this information out after having walked past them. The world is so interconnected and everyone has invisible wires connected through relationships and sympathies and glances and simple smiles, these wires are everywhere and coloured and if you could see them and create a key, it would be chaotic. But in a good way.

It is a consistency. The simplicity of a smile. The discussion at the register. My grandparent’s laugh, their love. It is routine, familiar, constant. It is good.’

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Went to Bondi yesterday with some of my friends, the weather was fairly warm and I have the ever so slightest tan going on, you can see strap lines on my shoulders. The water was freezing cold and there were hardly any waves. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the beach so busy before.
As a comparison of my days, today is cold. It’s dark, it’s cloudy, it’s boring and I’m not spending it with anyone who means anything to me. I haven’t been this bored in a very long time, and since I seem to have lost all talent that use to reside in my right hemisphere, I can not draw nor can I write to past the time. I don’t have the patience to read, not lately. I’m unimpressed and uninspired, and I feel fairly miserable today.  Tomorrow will be much of the same.

I’m thinking of either going into prostitution or drug dealing because for some reason, normal ass forms of employment don’t want me. I think when McDonald’s rejects you, there’s really no where to go from there. Not that the idea of being around meat and oil is all that impressive to me in the first place. I have yet to buy my ticket to Amity, I have $2 and I’m fairly sure I have another $48 to save before I can get it.

There have been a few things bothering me lately. My future, my appearance, my sudden lack of any real skill or interest in anything. Everyone knows what they want to do. Everyone knows what they’re good at, and everyone’s trying to get somewhere. I’m simply existing. Barely. I have to start my major work for Art next term, I have no ideas. Not one. The creative nerves that once stemmed from my brain are dead.
I might spend the rest of today lying around watching tv, and further exhausting my laziness.