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there’s no drink or drug I’ve tried, to rid the curse of these lover’s eyes and I feel numb, beneath your tongue, your strength just makes me feel less strong

If you run your fingers against your own skin, does your touch feel unfamiliar?
If you step out into the rain, does each droplet feel any more significant than the last?
If you live and breathe each day with a substantial amount of love and positivity, does the universe give you love and positivity in return?

The above picture I took two or so weeks ago. I went on a trip with my friends up to Shoal Bay for a few days. An over three hour road trip there, and I could never tire of it. I shocked myself in many ways. Over the course of four days I realized more about myself than I have in an exceeding long period of time. I realized that I can be patient, that I enjoy calm, that family isn’t blood or genes. That chromosomes have nothing to do with what or who is ‘home‘.
I found home in family. And family I found in people I know will be in my life always. We do not share blood, nor do we share genes. We share something far greater and far more powerful.

I find myself having faith in humanity. I find myself knowing that life isn’t always perfect and transcendent. Terrible things happen, and sometimes we feel hopeless. And although it took me a while, I finally realize that over trusting the universe, I trust myself.

I trust myself to love the world. To appreciate and enjoy every second. Whether it be ecstatic or horrid. I realize that it’s not just enough to love someone, but I must also love myself. Love myself enough to know that I deserve to be happy. And if I am not, then I must find a way to be so. I must find joy and pleasure in every single day. Because life’s like that and I refuse to waste my days being unhappy. I have found comfort in myself and in those around me. I have found a way to draw preciousness out of life and not run from pain, but merely accept it’s temporary inhabitance within my life, and know that it is just that. Temporary.

I have found that it is important in times of trial and suffering and exhaustion, that we must be able to live with ourselves before we think of doing so with others. This is inexplicably significant. Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes it’s wonderful. But life’s like that. And I have found enough strength within myself to stand up and carry on.

So if you run your fingers against your own skin, it sometimes doesn’t feel familiar.
And when you step out into the rain, each droplet just makes you damp, and each makes you damper than the last. And if you live and breathe each day with a substantial amount of love and positivity, the universe will provide you with love, possibility, strength and positivity in return.

Here’s a delightful little picture of my cousin’s belongings~

With these things there’s no telling, we just have to wait and see.
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck, than waiting to win the lottery.

Hello, hello, hello.
Before I go any further into how I’ve been and what’s been happening with me, I’m billing over my sincerest apologies for yet again, not updating at a consistent pace.
I’m overall at a very happy place right now. My home situation isn’t that enjoyable but I’ve come to recognize that it won’t be my home situation forever.
I’m in year 12 now, I’m hoping to somehow muster enough money to get into Shillington College, I’m not really good at much else. If all else fails, I plan on cutting hair for a living.
I can’t wait until these next 3 terms are over, oh the burden that will be lifted of my chest, I can’t wait for that relief.

I can’t wait till it’s over and I can laugh to all those people that said, ‘Enjoy it while you can, when you work, you’ll wish you were at school.’ I will never miss school, all of my schooling life was and will be hell. And even if I don’t enjoy my job, I’ll get paid for it. Compromise~

I’m not that stressed or worried about anything right now. Conor Oberst’s voice has been repeating for the past two hours and something about it, and knowing I’m safe and comfortable for once, makes me feel at ease.
Have you ever felt so happy that you just wanted to cry? I’ve been feeling that lately. I feel like sobbing because I can’t believe it. If you’ve ever been sad, if you’ve ever known sadness or pain, or depression or loss, or hurt… If you’ve ever known any of it, you’ll understand what I’m talking about when I refer to that heavy feeling on your chest, as though there’s an elephant sitting on your lungs.

If you’ve ever recovered, or been on your way to it, you’ll understand how it must feel when that elephant finally decides to get up.
If you have ever recovered, congratulations. Enjoy your happy tears, you deserve them. You made it. And if you haven’t recovered yet, don’t stress. Just keep breathing. That elephant will get tired of sitting soon, have faith.

 

Letters To Queens

September 6, 2011

The Freshmen

September 5, 2011

I won’t be held responsible, she fell in love in the first place.

I just wrote an entire essay that I was going to post, but I highlighted that shit and backspaced it all. None of it seems right.
I’m not sure what’s happening to me lately. I can’t draw. I can’t write. I can’t do anything. I think it’s because I’m happy, being miserable suited me well. It made me great. My cynicism and negativity fed my emotions. Now I’m too pleased to bother being creative. And I’m scared. I’m so terribly scared. I don’t want to be miserable again. I did it for too long and I’m not ready to go back to that. Thinking about it right now is making me teary. I’m getting a lump in my throat just picturing it…

To be honest, I don’t need art. I don’t need to draw or to write or to do anything that requires my right hemisphere at all. I have no desire to sit in white rooms, stringing together consonants and phrases. I have no desire to have paint all over my clothes, I have no desire to be covered in red stains. Red stains of any kind. If my cynicism is being taken away from me, and I can no longer hold a brush…
If I’m no longer allowed to be miserable, and  my sentences stop making perfect sense…
Then fine. I’ll give all that I could do, every stroke, every word, every minuscule letter. If it means I’m happy, I’ll give it all.

I’ve got a Casino Electric. It looks like a blue Stratrocaster. I really hate the shape, I can’t stand it.
I really wanna white Gibson ES. They’re amazing.  Maybe, one day. I need a job.

So, I spent today walking down to Green Valley. I’ve had Red bull, V, coffee and some ice cubes.
Bought some Conditioner.

On my way home, I left my two cans near my other V can. If you’re from around here, they’re sitting near Aubrey Keech Reserve, leaning on a fence. Since I got home, I’ve been listening to The Libertines, The Kooks, Green Day, and Killing Joke, while looking at guitars and trying to find the sexiest one. I’m starting to feel  a little sick and I’ve got a headache, I think it’s because I’m wearing a jumper in this heat, but I can’t be bothered taking it off.
My family are putting up the Christmas tree up today.  Or rather, they’re washing it, then putting it up. I don’t like participating in the whole, ‘decorating the house for Christmas’ thing. Simply because, it depress’ me. Knowing that I’m spending, yet another Christmas in this place terrifies me.

I hate drinking water, because not only does it taste like nothing, it somehow manages to still be gross. But, my mother had a go at me for not drinking enough, so I got myself into a bet and now I have to drink 2 litre’s of this liquid air a day. I’m going to be pissing like crazy.

What are you doing today? I feel slightly at peace.  I don’t know why, but it seems like something about today has just relaxed me. I mean, I feel active and I want to run around in circles and such, but at the same time, I feel like I’ve just had an amazing sleep. I wonder how long this will last for?

How do you feel? Also, what are some of your favourite musicians? I wanna know what you guys are in to.

Have you seen The Virgin Suicides? I might watch it later. It seems intriguing enough to amuse me on a Sunday night. So I just came back from Liverpool, it’s really a disgusting place full of disgusting people, but I had a pretty good day. I’m feeling kinda happy, which is kinda really weird for me. I’ve actually been smiling all day, and I haven’t yet stopped smiling.
My jaw’s actually kinda sore, cause I’m not really used to it and I think it’s kinda saying, ‘What the fuck Shannon? Calm the fuck down. Why you be so smiley for?’

I’m actually really sore. I’ve got a massive headache and my legs hurt and I’m tired, but I know I won’t be able to sleep. I’ve got to go to my great grandmother’s funeral tomorrow, and I’m probably gonna be disrespectfully yawning my ass off throughout the entire thing.
Also, I haven’t gone to school for a while and I might get in trouble because I don’t plan on going for the next few days. Maybe just, one or two days. Just to get some of my shit. But other than that, I really don’t feel the need to spend my time with those assholes.

I’ve promised someone that I’m not going to do anything stupid until she comes back from wherever it is that she went,  and unfortunately, I keep my promises.
So I hope you enjoy reading my daily rambles, because I’m gonna be here to ramble for another 4 weeks at least.

Hope you all sleep well, I’m just gonna go smile my ass off some more. (:
I’ll tell you how the movie is tomorrow, ❤

Post- script: I’ve finished all the energy drinks and the coffee in this house, therefore I’ll be drinking Pepsi Max, water and milk till I go drink shopping. Oh, and my mother hid the vodka from me and accused me of being an alcoholic.
Great talks, really. I love this house. Just, wanna fucking live here forever.
loljk, I’d rather die.

I’m not even kidding.
Anyways, I leave you with a poem. (: Comments are loved.

I know it’s always shit, and I know it always sucks,
And you feel like you’ve been hit, by a mother fucking truck.
When you’re lonely, scared, sick of the world and all of this,
Trust me, I swear, there’s such a thing as happiness.

Someday Came Suddenly;

November 17, 2010

Sticks and stones and weed and bongs.

Happy Wednesday bitchez.
Just came back from my very eventful walk. Not really.
Went down to Green Valley to pick up a few things. Besides walking past an entire family of flies and realizing just how many middle eastern people come out during school days, nothing much else happened.
On my way back, I had to walk past this house where the entire Muslim family were chillin’ outside.  I felt compelled to push my bangs out of my face and look innocent. #noracial.
I also realized that Rhianna put more of her balls into Disturbia than all of the members of The Cab did combined. Don’t get me wrong, I love The Cab, I just think they should’ve done a different song for Punk Goes Pop 2.
Didn’t do the creepiness of the song justice.

I actually had much more to write about but I’m in too much of an active mood right now to remember, so I’ll probably come back later when I’ve mellowed down a bit. For now, I might just go do some hand stands and break my neck.
Also, I left my V can on a mini hill, so when I’m walking home tomorrow, if it’s still there, I’ll take a picture and post the low quality image here, so we can all stare at a much of dirty pixels.

Peace out.