Here’s a delightful little picture of my cousin’s belongings~

With these things there’s no telling, we just have to wait and see.
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck, than waiting to win the lottery.

Hello, hello, hello.
Before I go any further into how I’ve been and what’s been happening with me, I’m billing over my sincerest apologies for yet again, not updating at a consistent pace.
I’m overall at a very happy place right now. My home situation isn’t that enjoyable but I’ve come to recognize that it won’t be my home situation forever.
I’m in year 12 now, I’m hoping to somehow muster enough money to get into Shillington College, I’m not really good at much else. If all else fails, I plan on cutting hair for a living.
I can’t wait until these next 3 terms are over, oh the burden that will be lifted of my chest, I can’t wait for that relief.

I can’t wait till it’s over and I can laugh to all those people that said, ‘Enjoy it while you can, when you work, you’ll wish you were at school.’ I will never miss school, all of my schooling life was and will be hell. And even if I don’t enjoy my job, I’ll get paid for it. Compromise~

I’m not that stressed or worried about anything right now. Conor Oberst’s voice has been repeating for the past two hours and something about it, and knowing I’m safe and comfortable for once, makes me feel at ease.
Have you ever felt so happy that you just wanted to cry? I’ve been feeling that lately. I feel like sobbing because I can’t believe it. If you’ve ever been sad, if you’ve ever known sadness or pain, or depression or loss, or hurt… If you’ve ever known any of it, you’ll understand what I’m talking about when I refer to that heavy feeling on your chest, as though there’s an elephant sitting on your lungs.

If you’ve ever recovered, or been on your way to it, you’ll understand how it must feel when that elephant finally decides to get up.
If you have ever recovered, congratulations. Enjoy your happy tears, you deserve them. You made it. And if you haven’t recovered yet, don’t stress. Just keep breathing. That elephant will get tired of sitting soon, have faith.

 

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Went to Bondi yesterday with some of my friends, the weather was fairly warm and I have the ever so slightest tan going on, you can see strap lines on my shoulders. The water was freezing cold and there were hardly any waves. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the beach so busy before.
As a comparison of my days, today is cold. It’s dark, it’s cloudy, it’s boring and I’m not spending it with anyone who means anything to me. I haven’t been this bored in a very long time, and since I seem to have lost all talent that use to reside in my right hemisphere, I can not draw nor can I write to past the time. I don’t have the patience to read, not lately. I’m unimpressed and uninspired, and I feel fairly miserable today.  Tomorrow will be much of the same.

I’m thinking of either going into prostitution or drug dealing because for some reason, normal ass forms of employment don’t want me. I think when McDonald’s rejects you, there’s really no where to go from there. Not that the idea of being around meat and oil is all that impressive to me in the first place. I have yet to buy my ticket to Amity, I have $2 and I’m fairly sure I have another $48 to save before I can get it.

There have been a few things bothering me lately. My future, my appearance, my sudden lack of any real skill or interest in anything. Everyone knows what they want to do. Everyone knows what they’re good at, and everyone’s trying to get somewhere. I’m simply existing. Barely. I have to start my major work for Art next term, I have no ideas. Not one. The creative nerves that once stemmed from my brain are dead.
I might spend the rest of today lying around watching tv, and further exhausting my laziness.

The Freshmen

September 5, 2011

I won’t be held responsible, she fell in love in the first place.

I just wrote an entire essay that I was going to post, but I highlighted that shit and backspaced it all. None of it seems right.
I’m not sure what’s happening to me lately. I can’t draw. I can’t write. I can’t do anything. I think it’s because I’m happy, being miserable suited me well. It made me great. My cynicism and negativity fed my emotions. Now I’m too pleased to bother being creative. And I’m scared. I’m so terribly scared. I don’t want to be miserable again. I did it for too long and I’m not ready to go back to that. Thinking about it right now is making me teary. I’m getting a lump in my throat just picturing it…

To be honest, I don’t need art. I don’t need to draw or to write or to do anything that requires my right hemisphere at all. I have no desire to sit in white rooms, stringing together consonants and phrases. I have no desire to have paint all over my clothes, I have no desire to be covered in red stains. Red stains of any kind. If my cynicism is being taken away from me, and I can no longer hold a brush…
If I’m no longer allowed to be miserable, and  my sentences stop making perfect sense…
Then fine. I’ll give all that I could do, every stroke, every word, every minuscule letter. If it means I’m happy, I’ll give it all.

Urges & Vices

July 30, 2011

So this is a picture I took of my friends hand. I love cameras. They make me really happy.
I know I haven’t blogged in a while, I’ve just been going through some pretty serious home stuff and I couldn’t really bare to come here and write without dribbling around some overly melancholic sap about my life. I didn’t want to put you through that. So I’m going to stay remotely positive.

I had some coconut today, it was disgusting. I like coconut milk and coconut flakes but real, fresh coconuts are disgusting. Had to wash it down with pineapple.

I’m so tired, I honestly can not stay awake and it’s only 9pm.
My best friend is going to Spain for World Youth Day, I won’t see her for three weeks. This saddens me. I’m not looking forward to August.

I’m not sure what else to write about. I promise I’ll write more often now, I feel more intact with my creative side now than I did over the period that I went cold turkey.

Laters.

Other than music, there is honestly nothing I love more in this universe than the beach. I went to Cronulla with my friends a few days ago. Usually I’m more of a Bondi chick, but Cronulla seems to be become more appealing each time I go.
I spent a small percentage of my day in the water. The waves weren’t particularly vicious, so I mostly just floated around. I don’t think I can breathe like that anywhere else.

Regardless of the fact that I’m constantly being told that I’m loved and that I’m missed, I still feel alone? I don’t really understand… I thought that maybe after I found someone who really likes me, the sadness and depression and everything that’s ever bothered me would go away. But it hasn’t.

And I don’t think people knows how serious it is. I don’t want them to know. Nobody want’s someone who’s sick. I just want to shake this…
I also feel as though I’ve gained weight lately. I don’t know if I actually have, or if I see something different to what everyone else sees. But I can’t stand to look at myself, or go out, or eat any more. I feel enormous and ugly and disgusting.

Moving on… I had a dream about rain clouds last night. They were hovering around me. Miniature versions.  I don’t know what that means. But I do love clouds.
Winter’s on it’s way, the weather’s getting colder and I shiver during the night.

I know this post was a little different to my usual ones and I know it’s a little sad/boring/more of what I would usually post on my other blog, but I thought I’d at least update so you know I’m still around.  I’m still around.

P.S; I found a moustache on the ground yesterday.

I want a tattoo on my inner left wrist, saying ‘My scars will heal.’
Shall I explain the meaning behind such a choice?

When I was in year 8, the doctor said I had depression. This was the year that I began cutting. I cut my wrists, my legs, and my waist.  This was the year that my life changed. I became indescribably unhappy. Year 9 was much the same, only worse. My problems increased, as did my cutting. Year 10 felt like the worst year of my life. I ran away, attempted suicide… more than once, and felt more lonely than ever. During this time frame, I saw psychologists, counsellors, youth and health officers, etc, etc. You name it, I saw it. No one seemed to be helping.
Towards the end of year 10, my soul mate moved away. My sister left the state, and I was left with no best friend,  no one to talk to, and no one to hold me when I cried. That girl is still the only one who understands me. Towards the middle of year 10, I began to worry about my weight. It slowing became more and more significant and I then began to realize, how much fatter than other girls I am. I’m not that fat… But compared to the other skinny, pretty and much more beautiful girls, I felt obese and disgusting. Then year 11 came, and with it, other problems. I lost the remainder of close friends that I had, and therefore became more depressed. Instead of just feeling alone now, I actually am. I’ve found new ways of harming myself as I don’t eat very often any more.  If I do, I’ll make sure it comes back up.

I can’t say that I’ve gotten better. I can’t say that I’ve gotten worse.
I’m sick. I might die, I might not. But these series of events, problems and difficulties in my life forced me to throw myself into the art world. I began drawing what I thought were meaningless artworks, paintings, etc, etc. From this, I then realized what I want to do.

I turn 17 this year. When I finish high school, I plan on going to COFA and getting a Bachelor of Fine Arts. I want to become a tattoo artist, not because it seems like a pretty fucking awesome thing to do, but because I want to engrave permanent reminders like, ‘My scars will heal,’ on the bodies  of other people with difficulties, problems and shitty lives, so they know that not only are they not alone, but they are alive.

They will make it.
Their scars will heal.

Painting your walls.

February 14, 2011


I admire children. They’re so fearless. They run around as fast as they can, eventually they fall. But then they get back up, and continue running. I wish more adults had the energy to keep running after they’ve fallen. It actually makes me a little sad to see people so quick to give up. Sure, I give up everything I start. But, I often start over after a few weeks.

I’m spending valentines day in Melbourne. Which I consider to be a good thing. I don’t think I would’ve wanted to go to school today. Where everyone is exchanging roses and hugs, I would have spent the day wishing I was going home to something better. Love is a weird word.
Four letters. One syllable, but there are no words nor syllables to define it.  I won’t lie. I do want it very badly. I want love. But then, who doesn’t?
Who doesn’t want someone missing them? And holding them? Who doesn’t want love? I haven’t met one person yet.
I can only hope that one day, we’ll meet. I don’t think I’ll give up. If I get tired and I give up, I’ll just start over.

I don’t see myself growing up any time soon, I will be a child forever. I have the energy to keep on running, even after I’ve fallen. Bruises fade, and after a while, you become immune to the pain.

#nowplaying She’s Like A Comet- Jebediah

Read the description of this song… It’s beautiful isn’t it? I won’t lie. I cried a little bit when I first read it. I love Pierce The Veil.
Going to see them in April with Escape The Fate, hopefully.

So, how have you been? I’ve been pretty capped, and therefore unable to blog much. I thought I’d blog tonight as I’m going to Melbourne tomorrow for 2 weeks. No internet, no phone.
I’m going for a wedding. I hate weddings. More than life.
The thought of being with someone forever is sweet. It sounds perfect. But I would never legally bind someone to me. I’d feel like I’m trapping them.

So, I’m in year 11 this year. Besides the change in uniform, it feels the exact same.

This guy in year 9, who has a moustache, told me to act my age today. I wanted to reply with, ‘I’m 16. I am acting my age. What about you? You have a fully grown stache and you’re 14, you act your age.’  But of coarse, I didn’t say that. He was seemingly nice and pretty cute.

I’ve found myself growing closer to different people. One person in particular. People who used to be close friends with me, are no longer taking vacancy in my heart or in my life. I’m okay with that. At the moment…

Well, I do have a shit load of other things to blog about and I’ve thought of so much things that I’d like to share with you, but I’m afraid, I have to go pack.
Be here when I get back. (: