it’s not the first time, but this one really carved it in

July 8, 2012

Do you believe that time heals?
Do you believe that if you wait, if you just keep breathing and try to survive through whatever negative ordeal you’re going through, that eventually everything will be okay?

On November 5th, 2011, around 9:00pm
I wrote a blog post. While I was writing I sat in this same chair, in this same room, and I cried.
Not because anything bad was happening. But because I had finally found happiness. And home. And comfort. And safety. Everything I had ever wanted and thought I’d never have, I had it.
So I sat and I cried while I explained that that moment right there was one of the best of my life, and it was. That entire day was one of the best days of my life, never in my life have I felt that happy.

Today, on July 8th, 2012, at almost 9:00pm
I sit in the same chair, in the same room, and I cry as I type. Not because I’m happy.
Not because I’m anywhere near.
I have had a life that consisted mainly of pain and hurt. A year ago, that changed. Everything became easy, and everything was wonderful.
A year later, where am I?

Sitting in the exact same place, feeling the exact opposite.
It’s like being on a high for a year and then crash landing down.
My happiness is gone. My safety, my comfort, that feeling of home. It’s all been taken from me. And it’s not fair. It’s not fair that all I can do is cry.
I can’t sleep. When I do my dreams are haunted. I wake up, and life isn’t any better. My mind nor my heart allow enough time for me to relax for a moment. All they do is think and ache. My nights and my day’s have been nothing short of torture and I would sooner walk willingly into hell than have to continue on feeling this way.
I want my home back. I want my life back, I enjoyed being happy. I was finally happy. And now it feels like an even bigger elephant is sitting on my chest.

I don’t believe that time heals. Maybe we just adapt into our misery.  
I never broke a single promise, I can’t keep living without my heart. I’m all alone again, but this time it’s worse. This time I know what my heaven feels like, but I can no longer have it.
Time heals nothing. Either something good happens, or we find company within our pain.

To the most amazing year of my life.
May this loneliness end one day.


3 Responses to “it’s not the first time, but this one really carved it in”

  1. shaylakrijnen said

    This is amazing. It gave me tears because it may be exactly whats happening to me. Please, keep writing. I know you’ve written this a while ago but still. Its perfect

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