You need a doctor, baby? You scared?

March 13, 2011

I want a tattoo on my inner left wrist, saying ‘My scars will heal.’
Shall I explain the meaning behind such a choice?

When I was in year 8, the doctor said I had depression. This was the year that I began cutting. I cut my wrists, my legs, and my waist.  This was the year that my life changed. I became indescribably unhappy. Year 9 was much the same, only worse. My problems increased, as did my cutting. Year 10 felt like the worst year of my life. I ran away, attempted suicide… more than once, and felt more lonely than ever. During this time frame, I saw psychologists, counsellors, youth and health officers, etc, etc. You name it, I saw it. No one seemed to be helping.
Towards the end of year 10, my soul mate moved away. My sister left the state, and I was left with no best friend,  no one to talk to, and no one to hold me when I cried. That girl is still the only one who understands me. Towards the middle of year 10, I began to worry about my weight. It slowing became more and more significant and I then began to realize, how much fatter than other girls I am. I’m not that fat… But compared to the other skinny, pretty and much more beautiful girls, I felt obese and disgusting. Then year 11 came, and with it, other problems. I lost the remainder of close friends that I had, and therefore became more depressed. Instead of just feeling alone now, I actually am. I’ve found new ways of harming myself as I don’t eat very often any more.  If I do, I’ll make sure it comes back up.

I can’t say that I’ve gotten better. I can’t say that I’ve gotten worse.
I’m sick. I might die, I might not. But these series of events, problems and difficulties in my life forced me to throw myself into the art world. I began drawing what I thought were meaningless artworks, paintings, etc, etc. From this, I then realized what I want to do.

I turn 17 this year. When I finish high school, I plan on going to COFA and getting a Bachelor of Fine Arts. I want to become a tattoo artist, not because it seems like a pretty fucking awesome thing to do, but because I want to engrave permanent reminders like, ‘My scars will heal,’ on the bodies  of other people with difficulties, problems and shitty lives, so they know that not only are they not alone, but they are alive.

They will make it.
Their scars will heal.

4 Responses to “You need a doctor, baby? You scared?”

  1. Danniel said

    I’m glad this post ended happily. I kind of have tears in my eyes right now. It’s not a very manly thing to admit.

  2. ashley said

    story of my life. im sorry this happend to you. i know that must be annoying people telling you they are sorry. thats how i feel. i understand. while alot of people do what you do there are so many that accomplish it. my best friend and i are best friends or were.. because we had alot in common. like harming ourselfs in the same way you did by cutting. we both kept telling eachother we wanted to die so it was a regular day a normal day nothing at all out of the ordinary . my best friend hung herself that day. and believe it or not it was an eye opener. i never thought it would get that far. things had been getting better for her so i didnt excpect it whatsoever. even though i thought about also doing what she did i wanted to live for her. i wanted to come over this addiction for her. she always used to tell me i was too perfect to hurt myself and the day she died she had told me something that i think back on now and i believe she wants this for me . for me to get better. we had been at my house getting dresses and i was changing my pants, and cuts and scares cover my legs and she looked at me and said to me “those do not make you look pretty they disgust me”. it was so not like her. then she told me she wa not going to cut herself anymore and i told her i was happy she had decided that. but now is when ii realized instead of cutting herself she killed herself. anyways. my point is that i dont know you and i feel proud of the person you are. and im glad there are people like you out there in this fucked up place we call our lives. i havnt stopped yet but im finding my way. wish the best for you.

    • shannondotjpeg said

      I admire you so much. I’m so sorry about your friend, I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m not sure why you’re proud of the person I am, I’m not proud of that person. But I hope one day soon you’ll be able to stand up and say you’re proud of the person you are. You’ll find your way, I believe you will.

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