21. Gotta Let It Happen

There’s a reason you don’t see hippy vans in the city. On my journey to expand my knowledge and feed my brain I find myself weaving in and out of people as though they are directions of a maze, gaping holes in the o-zone layer. Skimming my shoulder, my bag on a random stranger who’s name and story I do not know. Sharing a brief moment with them, sharing a brief warmth, interchanging bacteria and lint.

The reality is that that’s life.
I am constantly dodging people, cars, cyclists, buses. Constantly feeling that post near-death-experience breeze that sends the strands of my hair flying backwards, exposing the tips of my ears.

I find myself writing inspiration messages on bathroom stales in thick black sharpie. Hoping someone, from somewhere will read my encouraging words and feel positive for a change, feel calm.

It bothers me greatly. The people on this earth are spinning faster than their world and they’re making wind. I am filled with a constant fear that the people around me are going to miss something. Something great, something catastrophic, something. It’s unsafe.

What is the rush? Where are you going that you simply can not look up. Can not slow your pace. Are you not tired of the aching pain in your shins and the burning in your chest? You are not in sneakers and skins. Slow down.

This is your life. And you could miss the most pivotal moments of it, all because you have fallen into the default rut of constantly needing to rush. To walk fast. To swerve through crowds just to get a thirty second head start on where you should be.
You should be here.
You should be alive.
You should not be scowling or knitting your eyebrows together whilst lost in thought, keeping to yourself on the sidewalk.
You should not be breathing heavily as you finally make it on to your train. You should be alive. You should be living. This is your life, right now. And you’re missing it.

I am often filled with the very powerful urge to delete this blog and start a new one. My mindset is so far off where it was when I started this blog and I feel as thought I am not the same girl who used to spill her thoughts into this text box and put so much feeling into every sentence. However there was a time when I was that girl and those words meant something to me and even if I can not relate to her an inch, that’s okay. Because she moved on and I am exceptionally proud of her. I do definitely still write a lot, mostly in my journal. I feel as though it’s better that way. I’m not sure that anyone really wants to hear every single thought that roams the crevices of my mind, but I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to blow the dust off over here from time to time. Maybe it’s time to share some updates. 

Let me start with one of the major events of my life, I am into the second semester of my college course. The same college I wanted to go to during my high school period. I have a very vivid memory of sitting with the school counsellor in year eleven and being told that I needed to be more ‘realistic.’ I find that that is the problem with a lot of people. Everything has to be thought of in a ‘realistic’ sense. If I had taken this mans advice, I would not be where I am, so for my stubborn nature, I am thankful. 
I turn twenty this year. I certainly don’t feel twenty. I remember there being a time where my goal in life was to finish high school and I turn twenty this year. Perhaps I should start setting more goals. 
I’m more sure if I would consider myself ‘recovered.’ Maybe I am. There are definitely days that don’t feel as such, however I find that I am stronger in many ways and I am overall very satisfied with how much I have learnt in life. 
I stumble upon people these days who act a certain way and I wonder why there are the way they are and I realise that it is all meant to be. Maybe they haven’t been through what I have just as I haven’t been through what my neighbour has but each life is different and each has light and some don’t ever allow themselves the growth to flick the switch, which is an immense shame but that is how it is meant to be. All I know is that these days, I’m glowing. And that is perfect for me. 

photo (7)Over And Out is just a little project I’ve been working on lately, I’m hoping that it’ll grow into something pretty cool but for the meantime, it’s nice to have a place to jot down some thoughts.
‘I have been spending a lot of my time at the hospital lately. My grandfather wasn’t doing so well for a while there. A sea of worry and hopelessness washed over all of us for a brief time. A hopelessness so excessive, I found myself not recognizing humour and not recognizing joy. But he’s gotten a lot better. The hollows of his cheeks have filled in quite a bit and he’s been walking around, exploring. He hasn’t been released yet but he’s been moved from the coronary care unit to cardiac rehabilitation, which it good.

I’ve been doing quite a bit of exploring myself and found that ironically enough, the people in cardiac rehabilitation have such warm hearts.
A week and a bit ago, my exhaustion levels were high and my optimism excessively low. Today, I realized something. It’s not that bad a place.
It seems that cardiac rehabilitation isn’t just for the patient, but for the patient’s family, and for anyone really.
I’ve found that I really enjoy the consistency of seeing the same smiling people. I’ve made quite a bit of friendly and somewhat awkward conversation with many of the people with who have been feeding my caffeine addiction. There is a constant movement that doesn’t allow for boredom. It’s somewhat like going to a casino. You can sit in the one spot for six hours and not realize how much time has gone by.
You arrive and talk and laugh because things are better and you’re allowed to do these things now. You go to the bathroom, grab a coffee, use the home brand hand sanitizer half a dozen times, sit down, read a little bit, grab a sandwich, have it toasted, grab a drink, eat your food, go to the bathroom, grab another coffee, use the home brand hand sanitizer another half a dozen times, talk some more, laugh some more, laugh a little extra then you leave and repeat it all the next day.
Routine.
Consistency.
Familiar.
These are all good things. And I’m proud of myself. For someone is so easily anxious, I have seemed to pull positive things out of a not
so positive situation and I enjoy this. Maybe a little too much.

I enjoy seeing people and knowing where their room is or knowing who they’re visiting.
I enjoy knowing that the woman who visit’s her husband in bed 23 goes home for a few hours around 1 and comes back in no time every day.
I enjoy knowing that everyone has their own story and I have already learnt so many of them. I enjoy knowing that the two boys and that little girl who walked past me as I arrived where the sons and granddaughter of the couple in bed 24.
I enjoy knowing that I found this information out after having walked past them. The world is so interconnected and everyone has invisible wires connected through relationships and sympathies and glances and simple smiles, these wires are everywhere and coloured and if you could see them and create a key, it would be chaotic. But in a good way.

It is a consistency. The simplicity of a smile. The discussion at the register. My grandparent’s laugh, their love. It is routine, familiar, constant. It is good.’

IMG_1889
there’s no drink or drug I’ve tried, to rid the curse of these lover’s eyes and I feel numb, beneath your tongue, your strength just makes me feel less strong

If you run your fingers against your own skin, does your touch feel unfamiliar?
If you step out into the rain, does each droplet feel any more significant than the last?
If you live and breathe each day with a substantial amount of love and positivity, does the universe give you love and positivity in return?

The above picture I took two or so weeks ago. I went on a trip with my friends up to Shoal Bay for a few days. An over three hour road trip there, and I could never tire of it. I shocked myself in many ways. Over the course of four days I realized more about myself than I have in an exceeding long period of time. I realized that I can be patient, that I enjoy calm, that family isn’t blood or genes. That chromosomes have nothing to do with what or who is ‘home‘.
I found home in family. And family I found in people I know will be in my life always. We do not share blood, nor do we share genes. We share something far greater and far more powerful.

I find myself having faith in humanity. I find myself knowing that life isn’t always perfect and transcendent. Terrible things happen, and sometimes we feel hopeless. And although it took me a while, I finally realize that over trusting the universe, I trust myself.

I trust myself to love the world. To appreciate and enjoy every second. Whether it be ecstatic or horrid. I realize that it’s not just enough to love someone, but I must also love myself. Love myself enough to know that I deserve to be happy. And if I am not, then I must find a way to be so. I must find joy and pleasure in every single day. Because life’s like that and I refuse to waste my days being unhappy. I have found comfort in myself and in those around me. I have found a way to draw preciousness out of life and not run from pain, but merely accept it’s temporary inhabitance within my life, and know that it is just that. Temporary.

I have found that it is important in times of trial and suffering and exhaustion, that we must be able to live with ourselves before we think of doing so with others. This is inexplicably significant. Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes it’s wonderful. But life’s like that. And I have found enough strength within myself to stand up and carry on.

So if you run your fingers against your own skin, it sometimes doesn’t feel familiar.
And when you step out into the rain, each droplet just makes you damp, and each makes you damper than the last. And if you live and breathe each day with a substantial amount of love and positivity, the universe will provide you with love, possibility, strength and positivity in return.

Do you believe that time heals?
Do you believe that if you wait, if you just keep breathing and try to survive through whatever negative ordeal you’re going through, that eventually everything will be okay?

On November 5th, 2011, around 9:00pm
I wrote a blog post. While I was writing I sat in this same chair, in this same room, and I cried.
Not because anything bad was happening. But because I had finally found happiness. And home. And comfort. And safety. Everything I had ever wanted and thought I’d never have, I had it.
So I sat and I cried while I explained that that moment right there was one of the best of my life, and it was. That entire day was one of the best days of my life, never in my life have I felt that happy.

Today, on July 8th, 2012, at almost 9:00pm
I sit in the same chair, in the same room, and I cry as I type. Not because I’m happy.
Not because I’m anywhere near.
I have had a life that consisted mainly of pain and hurt. A year ago, that changed. Everything became easy, and everything was wonderful.
A year later, where am I?

Sitting in the exact same place, feeling the exact opposite.
It’s like being on a high for a year and then crash landing down.
My happiness is gone. My safety, my comfort, that feeling of home. It’s all been taken from me. And it’s not fair. It’s not fair that all I can do is cry.
I can’t sleep. When I do my dreams are haunted. I wake up, and life isn’t any better. My mind nor my heart allow enough time for me to relax for a moment. All they do is think and ache. My nights and my day’s have been nothing short of torture and I would sooner walk willingly into hell than have to continue on feeling this way.
I want my home back. I want my life back, I enjoyed being happy. I was finally happy. And now it feels like an even bigger elephant is sitting on my chest.

I don’t believe that time heals. Maybe we just adapt into our misery.  
I never broke a single promise, I can’t keep living without my heart. I’m all alone again, but this time it’s worse. This time I know what my heaven feels like, but I can no longer have it.
Time heals nothing. Either something good happens, or we find company within our pain.

To the most amazing year of my life.
May this loneliness end one day.

Here’s a delightful little picture of my cousin’s belongings~

With these things there’s no telling, we just have to wait and see.
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck, than waiting to win the lottery.

Hello, hello, hello.
Before I go any further into how I’ve been and what’s been happening with me, I’m billing over my sincerest apologies for yet again, not updating at a consistent pace.
I’m overall at a very happy place right now. My home situation isn’t that enjoyable but I’ve come to recognize that it won’t be my home situation forever.
I’m in year 12 now, I’m hoping to somehow muster enough money to get into Shillington College, I’m not really good at much else. If all else fails, I plan on cutting hair for a living.
I can’t wait until these next 3 terms are over, oh the burden that will be lifted of my chest, I can’t wait for that relief.

I can’t wait till it’s over and I can laugh to all those people that said, ‘Enjoy it while you can, when you work, you’ll wish you were at school.’ I will never miss school, all of my schooling life was and will be hell. And even if I don’t enjoy my job, I’ll get paid for it. Compromise~

I’m not that stressed or worried about anything right now. Conor Oberst’s voice has been repeating for the past two hours and something about it, and knowing I’m safe and comfortable for once, makes me feel at ease.
Have you ever felt so happy that you just wanted to cry? I’ve been feeling that lately. I feel like sobbing because I can’t believe it. If you’ve ever been sad, if you’ve ever known sadness or pain, or depression or loss, or hurt… If you’ve ever known any of it, you’ll understand what I’m talking about when I refer to that heavy feeling on your chest, as though there’s an elephant sitting on your lungs.

If you’ve ever recovered, or been on your way to it, you’ll understand how it must feel when that elephant finally decides to get up.
If you have ever recovered, congratulations. Enjoy your happy tears, you deserve them. You made it. And if you haven’t recovered yet, don’t stress. Just keep breathing. That elephant will get tired of sitting soon, have faith.

 

Went to Bondi yesterday with some of my friends, the weather was fairly warm and I have the ever so slightest tan going on, you can see strap lines on my shoulders. The water was freezing cold and there were hardly any waves. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the beach so busy before.
As a comparison of my days, today is cold. It’s dark, it’s cloudy, it’s boring and I’m not spending it with anyone who means anything to me. I haven’t been this bored in a very long time, and since I seem to have lost all talent that use to reside in my right hemisphere, I can not draw nor can I write to past the time. I don’t have the patience to read, not lately. I’m unimpressed and uninspired, and I feel fairly miserable today.  Tomorrow will be much of the same.

I’m thinking of either going into prostitution or drug dealing because for some reason, normal ass forms of employment don’t want me. I think when McDonald’s rejects you, there’s really no where to go from there. Not that the idea of being around meat and oil is all that impressive to me in the first place. I have yet to buy my ticket to Amity, I have $2 and I’m fairly sure I have another $48 to save before I can get it.

There have been a few things bothering me lately. My future, my appearance, my sudden lack of any real skill or interest in anything. Everyone knows what they want to do. Everyone knows what they’re good at, and everyone’s trying to get somewhere. I’m simply existing. Barely. I have to start my major work for Art next term, I have no ideas. Not one. The creative nerves that once stemmed from my brain are dead.
I might spend the rest of today lying around watching tv, and further exhausting my laziness.

Letters To Queens

September 6, 2011

The Freshmen

September 5, 2011

I won’t be held responsible, she fell in love in the first place.

I just wrote an entire essay that I was going to post, but I highlighted that shit and backspaced it all. None of it seems right.
I’m not sure what’s happening to me lately. I can’t draw. I can’t write. I can’t do anything. I think it’s because I’m happy, being miserable suited me well. It made me great. My cynicism and negativity fed my emotions. Now I’m too pleased to bother being creative. And I’m scared. I’m so terribly scared. I don’t want to be miserable again. I did it for too long and I’m not ready to go back to that. Thinking about it right now is making me teary. I’m getting a lump in my throat just picturing it…

To be honest, I don’t need art. I don’t need to draw or to write or to do anything that requires my right hemisphere at all. I have no desire to sit in white rooms, stringing together consonants and phrases. I have no desire to have paint all over my clothes, I have no desire to be covered in red stains. Red stains of any kind. If my cynicism is being taken away from me, and I can no longer hold a brush…
If I’m no longer allowed to be miserable, and  my sentences stop making perfect sense…
Then fine. I’ll give all that I could do, every stroke, every word, every minuscule letter. If it means I’m happy, I’ll give it all.

Urges & Vices

July 30, 2011

So this is a picture I took of my friends hand. I love cameras. They make me really happy.
I know I haven’t blogged in a while, I’ve just been going through some pretty serious home stuff and I couldn’t really bare to come here and write without dribbling around some overly melancholic sap about my life. I didn’t want to put you through that. So I’m going to stay remotely positive.

I had some coconut today, it was disgusting. I like coconut milk and coconut flakes but real, fresh coconuts are disgusting. Had to wash it down with pineapple.

I’m so tired, I honestly can not stay awake and it’s only 9pm.
My best friend is going to Spain for World Youth Day, I won’t see her for three weeks. This saddens me. I’m not looking forward to August.

I’m not sure what else to write about. I promise I’ll write more often now, I feel more intact with my creative side now than I did over the period that I went cold turkey.

Laters.